Don't Push Your Children Too Hard in Sports or Other Activities

Too often overbearing parents and coaches lose sight of the child in their quest for success in athletics and other activities. At times, the child is exploited in order to live out an adult's fantasies. In these instances, the adult fails to accurately gauge the child's interest in an activity, and the child's desires for fun, competition and belonging to a group become secondary to the adult's desires.

Parents in particular have to carefully read their child's signals. Does he enjoy baseball or ballet or both? Is she good at soccer but is only playing because other people want her to? Does the pressure to perform at a level acceptable to their parents, coaches or peers take the fun out of an activity?

As pre-teenagers, children are completely egocentric, meaning they believe that whatever they do is responsible for what actually happens. If they miss the goal or strike out and the team loses, they believe they are solely at fault. They also have a very, very strong need to please adults, and a coach or parent who feeds into that need may easily push a child beyond his or her breaking point. A skillful coach or concerned parent will watch for signs of stress, including difficulty sleeping or eating, total preoccupation with one activity and nothing else, or moodiness.

Some adults will fail to value all aspects of a child's nature and development and focus too heavily on his or her ability to perform certain activities, particularly competitive sports. Parents then miss other aspects of the child's abilities and personality. And some parents want to see their kids live up to some perceived level of normalcy. It's easy for adults to get swept up in a cause -- such as a youth team's fate -- when a parents' peer group and social standing are tied into the team as well. That puts pressure on the parents and, in turn, their children on the team. It's fun for parents to win, too, and observe their children's abilities develop. But parents can't lose sight of the big picture: childhood activities are for children, not adults. And parents who were athletes themselves must be sure not to compare their abilities with the performance of their children.

It's not easy for adults to back away when they're interested in their children's activities and progress. But children will grow to resent undue pressure exerted by parents and coaches and may quit an activity as a result. They may lose their zest for an activity and give it up because they're fearfull of not living up to the expectations of their parents and coaches. Parents must not judge coaches strictly on the basis of their children's performance or coaches may pass along that stress to the kids they coach. A coach is successful if team members feel satisfied, live up to their potential, handle mistakes well, and are well-regarded by their teammates. The child should come out of the experience feeling accepted and appreciated by his or her coach.

Reading Your Child's Signals

It's no surprise that coaches popular with children make a special connection with kids. Children feel that their coach understands them and that they are worthwhile people when their coach has accurately read their signals. The coach may understand that one child is just there for fun and doesn't want extra attention, while another may want to excel and craves additional instruction.

Parents have to know themselves and know their children. It's not about what mom and dad did as kids, but what your child wants. Balance peer pressure, quality of coaching, and the child's native abilities and personality. In this way, you may want to give a shy child a gentle push to try a new activity, while a strong-willed child can be left to decide.

To accurately read your children's signals, there is no substitute for spending time with them. Schedule unconditional time -- time where there is no teaching involved. Do what the child wants to do and observe him or her for 45 minutes, even if you're just watching videos together. Be open and encouraging and share what your child takes delight in. We call it "interpersonal social attunement" -- or empathy -- in which we try to understand what it's like to be that person.

Parents have to ask themselves: "Is this activity good for my child at this time?" "Are they enjoying themselves and, perhaps, growing from the experience?" "Can they enjoy participating -- win or lose?" Discuss it with your spouse because a father's interest in baseball may be balanced by the mother's interest in music. But getting an accurate read on your child's needs and desires means forgetting what you want for them. Over time you can help your child become a "Renaissance person" by helping them develop a balanced appreciation for many things in life, including activities such as sports.

When children are exposed to many opportunities, they have lots of activities to select from. They more easily weather ups and downs, wins and losses, and feel that their interests and desires have been recognized. Helping them find a role in their area of interest is important. If they're not good enough to compete or don't like playing on a team, perhaps they can find a supporting role, such as a manager or cheerleader. The best way to deal with children is always positive reinforcement.

In addition, you may want to read two recent books by the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry published by HarperCollins: Your Child and Your Adolescent.

MCW Health News presents up-to-date information on patient care and medical research by the physicians of the Medical College of Wisconsin.